I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
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They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is