so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.