If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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