remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
