I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
