I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
