All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
