I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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