I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
