I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
