Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
