no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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