This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
