this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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