I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
