I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
