he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize