you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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