i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
