remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
