I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize