i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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