I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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