My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
