just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
