The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
sex in a hospital.. check
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
