Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
