yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
