we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
