Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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