Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
