I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
