Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
