we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
