My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
