I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
