Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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