I seem to have left my pride at pride
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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