Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
