OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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