this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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