There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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