I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
