My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
