Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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