Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
