so that wasnt chicken after all
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
