You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
