I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
