Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
