I wish my penis had an off switch
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
