I'm laying in your front yard are you home
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
