Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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