I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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