Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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