I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
